Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Here We Go Again
In two days, we sign the papers and close on the sale of our Missouri house. Needless to say, this is a big blessing for us. No longer paying two mortgages and being able to reduce our expenses even further will be a big stress reliever. We've been moving towards the goal of having a simpler and more affordable lifestyle for a long long time. So this is definitely a prayer answered.
There is another prayer still not answered. Because once we sign those papers, our adoption agency can no longer show our profile to potential birthmothers. Instead, we will have to contact another agency in our new state and get our home study approved once again, etc. etc. Granted, that may not be a big deal since we already have gone through a lot of the hoops required by both states, but still, it means more time will be ticking away until we get all our ducks in a row again and can have our profile shown to birthmothers again. And that time ticking away is what keeps me up at night.
So here we go again. Back on the road to Missouri so that we can take the last few remaining items out of our old home and hand the keys over to another couple, who coincidentally, are also trying to reduce expenses and live a simpler lifestyle. And here I go again, back to wrestling with all the feelings that come when you have to say goodbye to a baby whom you felt like you already knew but never even got to hold.
I'm ready to close the chapter that began in a small home on a windswept hill on the edge of the Ozarks. Tom and I had such dreams when we bought that home, and I remember telling the previous owners when they handed us the keys that we were going to start a family soon. She was overjoyed to hear that the home she had raised four children in was going to become a home for the children we thought we would soon have. But the children didn't come and most of the twelve years spent in that home were filled with uncertainty and lots of tears as we faced our losses and kept the door closed to the spare bedroom. So starting again in a new place with my two little boys and the man who has stood with me through it all feels like the beginning of a dream that was put on-hold for over a decade.
But I'm not ready to close the chapter that began almost two years ago when Tom and I decided to start the adoption process again. Maybe it is because I have a hard time taking "no" for an answer but I'm just not ready to give up. I feel like I'm just starting to get the hang of being a mother and that I'm more prepared for a child now than ever.
After our biological son was born, several asked us if we still planned to adopt. My answer was always the same. Yes, because we had made a space in our hearts for an adopted child and only an adopted child could fill that space. One child certainly does not replace another, and never could (or should).
Two years ago, Tom and I made another space in our hearts for an adopted child. Only God knows how that space will be filled but I trust that He will fill it. Maybe we will start the adoption process again in a few weeks in our new state. Maybe we will pursue foster care. Maybe it will be none-of-the-above and God will show us another path. But for now, the space is still there.
So where do we go from here? I wish I knew. What I do know is that there will be an answer to this prayer too. That much I can count on.