Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Whatever That May Be

It was not long after our youngest son was born that we knew we wanted to try to have another child, which for us, meant trying to adopt again. Suffering through another miscarriage one year later only made us that more certain. I suppose some would say that we should have been satisfied with what we had, and simply quit trying to add more children to our family. After all, we were in our early forties and had already spent ten years trying to have children. After so many years of trying and failing, finding ourselves with two sons in the span of seven months felt a lot like winning the lottery. Hoping for just "one more" not only seemed completely unlikely, but almost greedy.

Still, the desire to add another child to our family sat heavy on my heart. No matter how I tried to rationalize it away (we're too old, it costs too much, so many other couples are waiting, our children already have a sibling, we already have more than we can barely handle, etc. etc.), the desire would not go away. All I can say is that there was a pulling that kept tugging at my heart, and as much as I tried to bury it, ignore it, rationalize, or pray it away, it always came back. So, each year for the past four years, we completed our adoption home study and waited. I waited for either the child to come or the tugging to go away.

This year of waiting, however, has felt much different than the previous three. Last December, when we submitted our home study update again, I knew this year would be the last. Not because I was certain we would be chosen to adopt this year, but because the tugging was gradually beginning to diminish. Although in my heart of hearts, I still wanted to parent another child, after three years of waiting to be chosen for an adoption situation (and another miscarriage), the knowledge that it may not happen had really begun to sink in. The number of times we'd been rejected by birthmothers was something we lost track of somewhere around ten or twelve. Rejection was beginning to feel like a normal part of our life now, and we came to expect it each time we presented our family profile to a birthmother looking to choose a family. Although every "she chose another family" message still left a sting, I'd cried my last tears over it at least a year ago. I had no tears left.

In addition, our sons were growing up and we were beginning to enjoy this new chapter of our family life. All the baby stuff has been packed away for a couple of years now, and in its place are overalls, ball caps, hiking boots, and baseball gloves. Our oldest turns six next week, and his brother is not far behind. Looking ahead, I saw my time with my children being measured not by feeding intervals and diaper changes but instead, by teaching them things like how to fish, ride a bike, swim in the deep-end, and read books that don't have pictures.

In truth, submitting our paperwork in January and agreeing with my husband that this would be our final update, our final year of trying, was liberating. Peace began to settle in my heart where the empty place of wanting another child had been. Just knowing that we didn't have to keep riding the rollercoaster of expectation followed by disappointment was consoling. It's been a fifteen year ride and finally, finally, I am ready to get off.

So when June rolled around, and I knew we only had six more months left of waiting to be chosen for an adoption, two thoughts crossed my mind. The first thought was that if, by some miracle, we did get chosen for an adoption this year, then our child is already in this world now. Somewhere. The other thought was that, if for some reason, we did not get chosen, then the agony of the waiting game was already half over now, and the pain would not last much longer. Needless to say, it was the latter thought that seemed much more realistic.

This is not to say that we have given up. Far from that. Every night still, we gather our boys for nightly prayer and every night, we pray, "Please help us and all couples struggling to have children and waiting to adopt." It is not only our prayer, it has become our mantra. We continued to use social media to try to spread the word of our desire to adopt, although in this past year, our facebook page saw very little traffic. We would bring it up in conversation with our family and our friends, and a handful of them are encouraging, but in most cases, we simply get no comment. I'm sure that to most, our desire to adopt again after so much time has passed appears as our own little fantasy world.

And such was the response two weeks ago, when we began telling others that yes, it is true, we really are going to adopt again. We are matched with a birthmother and if all goes as planned, we will be holding the child that we have been waiting for before the summer ends. At this point, we have no good reason not to be optimistic. And nobody is more surprised than we are.

So, while this wonderful news has been met with judgment by some and denial by others, I can see only mercy. Mercy shown upon me and my family by our loving God who has walked this adoption and infertility journey with us, and who has placed these things on my heart, and who I know will lead us to His desired end, whatever that may be.


  1. Lynda,
    I never read your 'blog; I just clicked over from JoyBeyondTheCross because the title of this post intrigued me.

    And o my gosh! I am happy for you and your family, that (seemingly out of thin air/the blue) a new child will be joining your family. But I confess that what struck me more was the parallel between your experience (as you noted it in this post) and my current experience -- not in waiting for a child (I'm in my late 40's, and would still love to be married!), but in trying so very hard, these last 10 years, to find where I belong: job-wise, vocation/social-wise, city-wise, living-situation-wise, gift/talent/skill-wise, etc. Among all that, I've had bouts of low-grade depression and some intense bouts of discouragement esp re 'will I *ever* find where I belong??!?!??!'

    And here, you and your husband have waited and waited, and taken steps forward as well as you can, and finally were okay with letting go of the desire in your heart....and He says, "Don't give up yet -- I have another child I'd like to add to your family!"

    What I'm hearing is, "Margo, the seemingly impossible DOES happen; your desire isn't destined for the trash can. HANG. IN. THERE. And remember the cool story you read about the couple who were going to let go of their dream....and to whom God sent the fulfillment of that dream!"

    From someone you've never met (but hopefully we'll meet in heaven!), but who's really grateful you shared this post,
    ~MargoB {oblessedmeriadoc@yahoo.com}

    1. Margo, Thank you for this touching comment. I can completely empathize with what you are expressing. I have spent most of my life wondering where I belong, what does God want of me, will my prayer be answered, etc. I waited a long time for my husband, then had to wait a long time for my children, and now find myself waiting some more. I don't know if this wait will end with another child or not even tho it looks promising. What I do know is that if I worry too much about tomorrow, I will miss today. So keep your chin up, and whatever each day brings, just roll with it. Easier said than done, I know, but trust that God has great things in mind for you, maybe here, maybe in heaven, maybe both, and he never forgets us. Keep praying. He hears you.

    2. Lynda - thank you for the encouraging words. I'm grateful!

  2. What beautiful news! We will be praying for both your family and the birth mother.

    1. Thank you, Donna. Your prayers have gotten us this far...don't stop just yet. ;o) And, yes, for the birthmother, too. She's pretty amazing.

  3. Oh my goodness!! I am SOOO happy for you. I was totally not expecting that news as I was reading this. How exciting!! I will be praying that all goes smoothly. God is good. I can't wait to hear all the details. I think I'm going to cry (for joy, of course!!). Yay and congratulations!!!

    1. Thank you Kerri, especially for the prayers. We are a bit shocked still, but so far so good. We still have a long journey ahead of us but God will get us through it.

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